Are Your Expectations of Your Partner Bringing You Closer or Farther Apart?
AUGUST 14 2023
A bid for connection refers to an action, gesture, or communication made by one person in a relationship to reach out for a sense of closeness and intimacy with the other person. The ability to both send and receive bids for connections are how we create closeness, communication, sensuality and deep bonding with our partner. We are actually exchanging bids for connection all the time, consciously or not. These exchanges can be subtle non-verbal interactions to explicit verbal conversations. For example, physical touch, a shared hobby or activity, emotional discussion, even playful teasing are all ways we invite and welcome our lovers to connect.
Naturally, our wires get crossed from time to time and you might not always notice your partners' attempts to get close. Or maybe you float a little flirtation towards them, and they don't quite catch it. What happens then? Do you interpret their lack of response as rejection? Do you perhaps turn away from their next invitation out of spite? Suddenly, we've fallen into a cycle of hurt feelings and distance that erodes the fabric of trust in a relationship. Any of this sound familiar?
It's quite common and is often at the root of many couples' issues that I work with in my therapy practice in West Hollywood. Whether in newer or long term relationships, many couples find themselves cold and defensive because they are stuck in a toxic loop of misinterpretation, silence and hurt. Fortunately, this cycle can be reversed and healed, particularly with the support of a couples therapist.
One of the fastest ways to create more flow with your spouse or lover is to check in with your own expectations. Imagine your partner has just tossed out a bid for connection that is not the one you wanted or expected. Can you still acknowledge and receive their request for closeness? More importantly, can you do so without sacrificing your own wishes or feeling resentful?
For instance, it's Friday night. You're really looking forward to going out with your partner and some friends. You've been fantasizing all day about what food or drinks you and your partner will order, what you might wear, how you'll feel together out on the town. It's been a long week you're finally arriving home after work. You walk in the door, and your partner is feeling low, laying on the sofa and definitely not dressed, nor in the mood to go out tonight. They say they've got a headache and gesture for you to come sit by them.
Pause. What are you feeling? What do you do? What do you say?
This moment captures the art of cultivating and keeping love alive in relationship. Even a small, passing interaction like this one can get sticky-- if we are not aware of our expectations!
When it comes to intimacy, I believe every moment counts. Every rupture offers an opportunity to repair even a little bit better than before.
Here are some ways you might nurture your connection with your partner
without ignoring your own feelings in this scenario:
With yourself:
1} Allow your emotions {dissapointment, frustration, relief}
2} Acknowledge your own hopes and expectations.
3} Recognize that your partner is inviting you to be close, even if it is different than what you wanted.
With your partner:
1} Mirror what you are seeing and hearing. Above all, do not ignore their request for closeness even if you are irriritated.
· If you can, go sit next to them, touch them, share non-verbal closeness.
·If you are emotionally disregulated, you can still turn toward their bid for intimacy after taking a break. "I see you're wanting some affection, let me come join you on the couch in five minutes."
2} Express your own emotions, "I'm so sorry you've got a headache and I'm so bummed that you don't feel like going out tonight, I was really looking forward to it."
3} Collaborate on a compromise.
· Maybe you go out and they stay home, maybe you both stay home and make a plan to go out together with your friends over the upcoming weekend.
· Whatever it is, choose it together and try to avoid pretending that "everything is fine", attacking, or withdrawing from each other in the process.
By checking in with your expectations of your partner and sharing your distress, you have actually tossed back a bid for connection toward them! — While actively preventing future resentment, and instead promoting more generosity in your relationship!
Remember, these are learned skills. With every partner, you are strengthening new or atrophied emotional muscles--- so this could take some time to turn into easeful muscle memory.
These are the type of small yet significant techniques for building chemistry that I offer my clients in my West Hollywood therapy space. I help both individuals and couples transform toxic dynamics into secure, playful relationships.
The Garden of Keaton ~ 8702 Santa Monica Blvd ~ West Hollywood, CA 90069